There are certain events in life that carry in themselves the innate ability to permanently alter your course. The death and birth of our daughter, Emma Carter, was one such event. I list them in that order, because that is how they happened, first her death, and then her birth, and with them, our three lives forever changed.
Some backstory:
In 2014, my husband Rene and I, along with our son, Lukas, moved back to the Austin area from the Bay Area of California, when Lukas was 9 months old. The Bay Area is horribly expensive, and most of our stateside family lives in Texas. Most of Rene's family is still in his home country of Guatemala, where we met and married. Now that feels like a lifetime ago; it wasn't really that long.
When Lukas was born, I felt the call and urge to stay home, so even though Rene was only pulling a part time salary as a youth pastor, we took a step of faith, trusting that God would provide, in one way or another. I have to admit, as much as I had truly enjoyed my full-time job as a school bus driver (no sarcasm here, I really did like it! We had an awesome family of coworkers, and I was getting paid pretty will to work with kids and had the summers off. Plus, how cool is it to get to drive a huge yellow bus around town?!), I felt freed then to bask in the fullness of mothering, homemaking, and future career possibilities. And we did see God provide, albeit differently that how we expected. I wonder at vastness of all of that which I do not know, understand, or have the full pilot's view perspective. I know I do not need to defend God and His sovereignty, love for His children, or ability to provide, but it feels wrong to say "we took a leap of faith, and it didn't work out." Maybe it is wrong. Maybe not. Maybe it's ok that it didn't work out. Maybe the jury's still out on whether it truly worked out or not. I tend to think the last is the closest to the truth. We do not yet have all the information, though I'm not sure we ever truly will.
From September to January, we lived on Christmas gifts and savings, MediCal, WIC, and a part-time income that just about covered our rent. We ate through our savings, incurred a "little" more debt, and enjoyed a lot more quality time together as a family. But in February, our lease came up for renewal (and an increase), and we decided the cards were on the table: it was time to move.
We had made this exodus from San Jose to Austin once before, in 2011, and had stayed for about 9 months, before returning when Rene received a job offer. At the time, I had also be offered my old job back-a huge provision! This move to Austin felt very different, with 2 solid job prospects already in the processes of courting Rene, family nearby to lean on, and our old community generously offering to host our things while we got settled. On top of these factors, we faced a much more palatable cost of living in Texas, and with our budding family, it seemed the wise thing to do. Our motives were different this time around, based on practical planning and "grown-up wisdom" of choosing what's best for our whole family and in Lukas' best interest. We were making sacrifices as parents, rather than simply giving in to the longing for greener grass that had fueled our first CA to TX move (and if we're really honest, that had played a heavy role in our return move to CA, as well.)
Things don't always go how we plan. (If you've lived at all, you probably don't need to me to tell you this.) Sometimes even the best-made, "grown-up wisdom"-based, practical plans don't wind up gelling after all, and we're left holding each other's and God's hands, with all our stuff in suitcases and either a storage unit in California, or our friend's garage in Austin, and nowhere to land. Thank God for family.
The short of it: we ended up moving in with my parents for a couple of months. It was great for Lukas-grandparent bonding and making up for lost time, but a bit too much of a strain, for the long-haul, on relationships and roles, not to mention kind of a downer on the local job prospects front and the pastime options available. It's a little tricky to job-hunt long-distance, but a couple of temp gigs later, God provided a full-time job for Rene in Austin, with housing. That housing turned out to be "housing"; I'll spare you the nitty-gritty, but it was a helpful stop-gap. Financially, that temporary company housing was a huge blessing, and it taught us to be more flexible and grateful for even little things we have now, like our own apartment. We relocated our family 4 times in 2014; thankfully the bulk of our stuff only had to move once, and we settled into our apartment in late September.
Over that summer, I began working for my grandmother, as I had when we'd lived in Austin before. I learned very quickly that I could not, as it turns out, effectively care for both her, in all her 94 years, and our 1 year old son. The need for daycare quickly dampened my stay-at-home-mom plans, and I began exploring other options. During my hunt, I regularly passed a billboard on the way from Lukas' daycare to my grandmother's place, bolding asking: "Want to Teach? When Can You Start?" It got my mind rolling about the career that had always seemed so logical for me, yet I had never truly pursued. With the month of June already underway, I carried out some speed-research on the alternative teacher certification program behind the billboard, as well as a few others, enrolled in the shortest path to certification [let's just call it the "Billboard Program"] and began my training. As a side note, I would NOT recommend my qualifier for choosing a program. It is NOT the best OR most supportive program, and I ran into many headaches with them over the next school year, but they did help me get hired, and I was, indeed, able to earn my full standard Texas Teaching Certificate through their program. So, hey, at least they made good on those promises. Plus, with my added income, we got to move out of the motel. Yes, the company housing perk for my husband's job was a 1 bedroom apartment in a company motel. (Trust me, I'm still sparing you the nitty-gritty.) You might say I was a bit motivated to get hired for the 14-15 school year! But anyway, I did, we moved, and time marched on.
2014 was a bit crazy, to say the least. Transition out the wazoo, tons of new, but by Christmas, we were just happy to be settling down and within close proximity of much of our family again. I don't know if 2015 just didn't want to be left in the dust or outshone by its predecessor, but it came out the gate running. We got pregnant with Emma on January 2nd.
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